I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I want is dick and wine.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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