I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
its liver damage thursday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
