You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize