i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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