While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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