Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
