Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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