This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
