she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
