I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I've blown a few things in my day
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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