He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize