It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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