My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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