dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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