I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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