i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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