I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
