I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
