I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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