I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
