and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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