I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize