Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just invented taco cereal.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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