i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize