This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
