"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
