1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
