If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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