Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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