When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Randomize
