Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
