even my farts smell like vagina
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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