clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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