I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
