I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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