hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
