He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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