I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My cat gives me a boner
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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