help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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