I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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