his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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