If that was your dad, he is hot
Don't make out with my wife yet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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