My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
