i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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