Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
