oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
