dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
