I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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