Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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