her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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