You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
ttyl tear gas
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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