He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
