I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
