I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just blew my weed a kiss
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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