I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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