She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
