I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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