i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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