My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We are two peas in an std pod
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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