Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
