I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
